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We’re back. Sorry it’s been so long. This week’s discussion is swinging.

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Here’s a glimpse at Sheilah’s cozy bathroom in her Minnesota tear down.

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We found this on Craig’s List.

1998 Audi A6 Quattro Wagon

No matter who is reading this ad, you need read no further. Actually, you should read the rest of this ad, and then stop reading. Why? Because by the end of this ad, you should be fully, completely convinced you’ve found the car you not only want to have. It’s the car you need to have — even if there’s a bidding war, and the price escalates from the $4,900 asking price to something more astronomical, like FOUR MILLION DOLLARS. It’s worth every penny. In addition to low mileage (108,000-ish) and a rebuilt transmission, this car will make you more attractive. It will make your hair longer, thicker and more silky. It will add definition to your abdominal muscles. It will make you tan. And that tan will look great against the fine leather seats. The heated seats will remind you of a lavish tropical vacation. The brakes will stop the car predictably, having been fully replaced some 3,500 miles hence. The tires are attractive and air-filled, with deep, luxurious treads that stick to pavement like the sugar on a beernut. Did I mention the fact that it’s all wheel drive? It is, and it’s actually great in crappy weather.

In theory, the Bose stereo is really great, with a six-disc changer to prevent boredom. Why in theory? Because it doesn’t work. But I suspect it could, provided the next buyer took it to a properly-trained car stereo repair place — which I have not. For people worried about looking too refined, the front bumper is scraped, and the passenger-side rear-view mirror housing is missing a chunk of plastic. You could drive this car to a Def Leppard concert, and no one would give you any crap at all.

The upshot? You should really buy this car. It will make you the person you’ve always longed to be. And for just $4,900. If I didn’t own it, I’d be tempted to buy it myself.

Call me for information, if you’re so inclined. 207-671-5482. Your future awaits. Don’t delay.

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A gifted mother who can’t sleep answered our questions that can’t be answered. Enjoy.

Why do you cry in the shower?
Truthful Answer: I cry in the shower because I finally realized that all my childhood beliefs and dreams were crap and I’m alone.

Tactful Answer: It’s not crying – it’s Mommy’s special Yoga breathing.

Is Daddy coming home?
Truthful Answer: Daddy is coming home if he stops being a royal dickhead and I don’t fatally wound him.

Tactful Answer: Of course he is, we deserve each other.

How did i get out of your belly?
Truthful Answer: Because I decided an external parasite was better than an internal one and pushed you out.

Tactful Answer: You just beamed yourself into our family like a little ray of sunshine.

What are you drinking?
Truthful Answer: Wine, it’s a special medicine that makes Mommies happy and kids throw up.

Tactful Answer: See above.

How did i get in your belly?
Truthful Answer: Daddy was wearing 501s and the Talking Heads were playing “And She Was”

Tactful Answer: When a Mommy and Daddy love each other very much, they wrestle in the cabbage patch.

Why do you cry in the car?
Truthful Answer: Because the dog can’t lick my face there.

Tactful Answer: Because I see all these children of God all over town, and I’m touched.

Is Santa bigger than God?
Truthful Answer: If you’re white and upper-middle-class, Santa IS God.

Tactful Answer: Don’t worry about that nonsense – find Mommy’s cell phone.

What are those dogs doing?
Truthful Answer: Listening to David Byrne.

Tactful Answer: Checking each other for fleas.

Why does Grandma have whiskers?
Truthful Answer: Because she’s a mean, narcissistic bitch whose rotten soul doesn’t even let her see how ugly she is.

Tactful Answer: Because she ate too much candy.

Where did our fish go?
Truthful Answer: For a swim in the pipes below our house.

Tactful Answer: What do you mean, that ’s your fish right there.

Why do you cry in the garage?
Truthful Answer: Because Uncle Put threw out Aunt Terry’s cigarettes.

Tactful Answer: Because it makes me sad to see a lawn mower in winter.

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Sheilah has moved into her brand new tear down in Minnesota and you can hear the happiness oozing from her. Nellie reads her a good book to cheer her up.

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Sheilah and Nellie are back and are older and wiser than ever.

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We did not quit or die or give up. Sheilah was on vacation and is now relocating her family to minnesota. Everything should be settled in a few weeks. I just moved into a house that we’ve been building for 2 years, so i don’t have a phone or internet yet. Our audio editor is on a sailing trip to Nova Scotia for 3 weeks. Blah, Blah, Blah, so we’ll be back recording foomomchoo when we’re settled in our new palatial homes with our hot husbands who worship us and our adorable offspring who always listen and eat all of their protein and broccoli and say thank you and sleep through the night and juggle and read and play the flute and knit and excel at cribbage and etch-a-sketch.

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Sheilah is moving this week and can’t be reached. If you’re really bored, here’s Nellie doing some stand-up. More foomomchoo coming next week.

 

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The foomoms try to help Molly, a married woman who’s hot for the ladies.

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